I never heard of Mitch Hedberg before today, but I like his sense of humor

Mitch Hedberg jokes:

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I saw a commercial that said, "forget everything you know about slip covers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but I didn't know what the heck they were.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling?"

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience.

I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances, that seems easy. Refrigerator, toaster, blender... you just say what the thing does, then you add "er". Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute... "What does this thing do?" "It keeps stuff fresh." "Well then that's a fresher! I'm going on break."

I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again." Did I opened the yogurt wrong or was Yoplait trying to inspire me? "Come on, don't give up... please try again." A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on 'em. Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque, and throw down on some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on... "you better flip that Frito dad, you know how I like it."

2 in 1 shampoo... 2 in 1 is a bogus term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it was 2 in 1, it would be overflowing... the bottle would be all sticky.

I called the hotel operator, she said "how can I direct your call?" Well, you could say "action!" And I will begin to dial. And then when I say goodbye, you could yell "cut!"

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man! I don't know how I get away with it.
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"So do I."
"Well let's form a club then."
"Okay, but we need some more stipulations."
"Yes we do. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again."
"Yes, four triangles. And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips."
"Or potato salad."
"Okay. Lemme ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide!"

My new favorite website...

Let me Google that for you is the perfect website to look up answers for people too lazy to do it for themselves.

Ever been on a message board and seen someone post a question that they could have easily answered for themselves with a quick Google search? Instead of answering the question for them, head on over to LetMeGoogleThatForYou.com and type in the search query and generate a URL and then send them that URL.

It will help teach them how to find answers online and you'll get the satisfaction of being a "helpful" smart ass.

Here's an example:

Q: How do I start my own blog?

A: Follow this link, it will help you start a blog: http://tinyurl.com/6aavth

So Cute It Will Make Your Head Explode

Enjoy the Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Free video streaming by Ustream

All ( Catholic ) Dogs Go to Heaven

A friend emailed me this series of photos documenting a church sign debate between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church.

I realize this was the product of a creative soul, using the Church Sign Generator, but I still liked it. You'll have to click on the photo to see it large enough to read.

As Seen Through the Eyes of Strangers

Ever wonder what a bunch of random strangers think about your look? No, I never did either until I stumbled upon a website called FaceStat.

You upload a photo and check off various attributes that you want to be rated on.

I selected intelligence and was rated as bright.

I selected trustworthy and was rated as probably.

I selected age and was rated pretty much spot on.

In addition, those rating you on those attributes can add random comments. Most thought I looked like a mom with bad hair.

It's sort of fun if you're not easily offended. Just keep in mind that the average age of those judging you is probably 19.

Goals, I Haz Dem

more LOL Cats

Seven Minutes of My Life I'll Never Get Back

stick figure movie

After I sat through this video I wondered how in the heck I got to it.

It started as I was throwing away the now-empty nostalgia candy box that came with Bruce's Claw candy grabber Christmas gift.

I googled candy of the 1960s and came across a website with all sorts of toys from the 60s.

That reminded me of a stuffed Baba Looie I had as a small child so I googled Baba Looie.

That led me to a video of a girl who hates Baba Looie. After her short video played, this stick figure movie came on and since I wanted to procrastinate a bit more before I start putting away the Christmas decorations, I dedicated seven minutes of my life to watching it.

The Most Disturbing Video That I Can't Stop Watching

We first came across the Tron Guy this summer after friends from southern Indiana sent us a link to his website.

He looks disturbingly like hubby Bruce. Not really... but his glasses and mustache are quite similar to Bruce's.

This weekend we came across a video in support of Net Neutrality that features, among other Internet celebrities, the Tron Guy. If you watch the video with your eyes closed, you'd probably think the featured singer was quite talented. But, something about the visual negates the quality of her voice.

Enjoy the video. And, I hope the song doesn't get stuck in your head. I'm about ready for a lobotomy to try to remove it from mine. Tron Guy appears about a minute into it.



The internet "celebrities" include:

• The Gem Sweater Lady, Leslie Hall
• Randy Constan, the Peter Pan guy
• Jay Maynard, the Tron Guy
• Burger King's Subservient Chicken
• The Chinese Backstreet Boys
• The Quiznos Rodents
• Dancing Baby

Dancing with the Stars

LOL Frog

I'Z IN UR GARDEN, PROTEKTIN TEH PLANTZ FRUM BUGZ

(Translation: I'm in your garden, protecting the plants from bugs.)

I read a story this weekend about LOLCATS (laughing out loud cats) and then spent some time cracking up laughing at the funny photos and captions on the leading LOLCATS website ICanHasCheezburger.com.

LOLCATS is basically about giving human thoughts to animals and the captions are spoken/written semi-phonetically, in the way you'd expect an animal to speak/spell.

LOLCATS are so cute, they'll make your head explode.